My Mea Culpa

I was born into, and accepted, a male-dominated culture far too long. Even when I knew in my heart it was wrong, I too often benefited from that culture and justified my behavior with a wink, a nod, or silence. For years, I have written about injustice in poems and songs, criticizing political correctness while excusing my own guilt until the weight of it finally became too much to ignore.

I have wrestled with this internally for a long time, often justifying my behavior as a product of my upbringing. But to myself, how many times have I quoted, “When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child, but when I became a man, I set aside childish things”? That became a mantra for me in my early thirties, and I felt it was part of my integrity and self-awareness. Still, discovering one has not lived up to his own ideals is a difficult thing to face.

I have often bragged about being the only male member of the Women’s Political Caucus, and by and large I have been good on women’s issues in public. But I have not always practiced that same standard in my own home, something my former wife can attest to. In many ways, she gave more than she received. So part of this is simply to say I am sorry to her.

My main purpose in this post is to ask other men raised in this macho culture to take a serious and honest look at themselves. I am not repeating past sins. As I am on the “back nine” of life, it may be easier for me than for younger men, but I believe we all need to examine ourselves. Ask what you admire in other men, especially men of your own generation, and ask how that admiration has shaped you.

For me, that means looking at myself and at the sins of the fathers. I call this the “John Wayne Syndrome,” meaning the strong, silent type and the dominating gender. I think of “Father Knows Best.” Most of the wisdom I received early in life came from my mother, yet many of us were raised by mothers who nurtured us while fathers, unfortunately, were raised by men who never knew how to keep a roof over their heads while allowing us the freedom to become our own people. So whom do you look up to and try to emulate?

Many men are unintentionally complicit. Too often, we accept things because “that is just the way things are.” That is no longer acceptable and has lasted far too long.

The “Me Too” movement has been calling on all of us to open our minds. I pledge to do better.

So I have decided to let go and encourage a “Mea Culpa Movement,” where men acknowledge their failures without hiding behind excuses, and where we celebrate the wonderful differences between genders while demanding equality in everything else.