“I Just Really Wanted A Whataburger” 

It is 8:00 AM...Laredo is fading in the distance as I look in my rear view mirror. I am already thinking about lunch, even though I had not had breakfast. My Land Rover is purring, the sun is shining, it is a clear blue sky morning. I have felt very energized and optimistic since leaving San Miguel DE Allende, Mexico on a similar morning the day before. I am really looking forward to seeing my kids on the way to Dallas and my fiance when I arrive. In addition to my excitement about seeing sweetheart and kids, I have been anticipating getting my first Whataburger since my last trip to Texas. In fact, I have been looking forward to that burger for a week. As I look ahead at the long flat surface of  IH 35 stretching before me, I can already see the little squiggles of heat rising from the asphalt. Having made this trip several times since moving to San Miguel, this stretch of desert always seems to be the longest part of the trip, with sagebrush and small mesquite trees as far as the eye could see on either side of the highway. But I know at this pace, I will make Dallas by dinner despite stopping in Waco to see the kids. I nestle in, put my seat back and the LR on cruise control, setting it at 78 mph fudging a little on the speed limit.

With that big juicy Whataburger in mind, I plan on stopping along the way and really looking forward to lunch. (Whataburger is a Texas tradition, claimed by some as the “National Burger of Texas” kinda like the “In & Out Burger” is identified in California as the hallmark fast food for burger aficionados of that state.) A part of my upbringing, I always manage to have a couple while back in the state. I have discovered, one of the things that makes them so good is they are consistent always tasting the same, I think the sweet onions, is the ingredient that makes them special, my Aggie friends claim they are 1015 onions which are planted each year on October 15th and that after many years of research by Texas A&M, found the perfect date to plant the sweetest hybrid onion ever, “true or not,”that seems to be the key to their great taste. I have nothing against Burger King or McDonald's in fact, I have eaten my share of Whoppers and Mickey D's Quarter Pounders, but today, I just really wanted a Whataburger.

It's around 9:30 AM when I feel the first early pangs of hunger. The only thing in my stomach, is two cups of bad motel coffee I had at the front desk while checking out this morning. I rummage through the console, but no candy. So I pull a bottle of water out of the six pack sitting on the passenger seat and drink, knowing it will make me feel a bit fuller. Whataburger restaurants are all over Texas and their bright orange and white colors are emblazoned in my mind, having worked on the construction of a couple while in college. As lunch is a couple of hours away, I know when I see one close to noon I will stop and satisfy my quest. So I make a mental note to keep my eyes peeled for their trademark and easy to identify large orange and white W sign.

  There can be quite a distance between small towns along this long stretch of IH 35, with the first city of note being San Antonio. And it is sometimes 30 minutes between towns with gas stations, restaurants, watering holes and restrooms. I started with a full tank of gas, so I will not have to refuel until I am past  San Antonio. As I zoom by each of the small towns along the interstate they all seemed to have a McDonald's or Burger King, but no Whataburger. After a couple of hours and a couple more bottles of water, I start feeling the need to find one soon as my bladder is reminding me of a looming need. But I really want to maintain the time table I set for myself to visit with offspring and see my sweetheart timely. Determined not to stop, my eyes scanning the horizon for the big orange and white W.

  As my bladder discomfort grows, I slow slightly as I approach each small town. The interstate is elevated and missing an exit ramp might mean going several miles to the next turn around. All this time noting just how much my hunger is growing and now feeling discomfort in two areas having not eaten since the night before. I am really feeling famished, but still determined to find the burger I want so badly.(which now feels like an addiction) My foot gets a bit heavier and I turn on my radar detector, the urgency growing. The highway seems to stretch on and on, fearing the possibility relief being delayed by getting a ticket from the DPS or my luck, caught in a local speed trap is increasing my anxiety. 

Despite the overwhelming desire for a Whataburger, it's now becoming very clear I have to stop soon.  Desperation growing, I start looking for an exit to pull off and hide behind my SUV or a bush. When in the distance I see the “Golden Arches” a mile or so ahead on the right, “Thank You, Lord!” what a relief!  But somewhat sadly, knowing I will have to settle for a McDonald's Quarter Pounder.  (Not that there is anything wrong with that)  But first things first! 

As the drive thru window is now out of the question, I circle the parking lot and finally find a parking spot, which seems a block away. Teeth clinched, holding back the urgency, I shuffle knot-kneed across the parking lot and happily through Mickey D's door knowing relief is coming. Even though the room is packed, there is no one waiting in line at the counter, the smiling counter person is looking at me cheerfully, with the “you are next look.”  Just my luck! I think, but I have no time to waste as I scurry on towards the Men's room. This McDonald's like most has a long very convenient and wide hallway leading to the restrooms opening up to the whole restaurant. I make it through the swinging door and am at the urinal in an instant. After a happy sigh, a few moments later I am able to breath and move to the wash basin, I wash my hands remembering my hunger. But now resigned to the fact that I am here, have used their facilities it is only fair to go buy their burger. (My second choice and my second relief is at hand)

The restroom door swings open and a very large man brushes by barely missing me, I turned sideways as he heads toward the stalls, thinking, “That was rude Dude! you almost knocked me down.” I turn back giving him a parting frown, though he never looked at me as he rushed by, thinking, maybe he just has a similar urgent condition. Straightening up to exit the Men's room, I swing the door open wide and for a moment, I stand, “perfectly framed in time and in the middle of the doorway.” As the loudest, most obnoxious, booming fart, I have ever heard explodes behind me! Amplified by the all tile restroom, it echoes  like a thunderclap through the canyons. (not sure, but windows may have rattled)

But what I am sure of, is that every head in the very crowded room turn and look straight at me! My eyes are screaming “NO IT WAS NOT ME!” You would think people would have the decency to turn back to their own business, “but they did not!” Instead, the counter person, those in line and people in the booths are all staring straight at me grossed out, frozen in time and seemingly focused only on me.  I double time it down the long wide corridor passing by the counter. (which now has a line 10 deep) They are all still looking at me as I quickly turn and make my way into the parking lot. A light rain is falling even though the sun is still shining.

Settling red faced and damp into the driver's seat and breathing a sigh of relief, my mind turns to that big guy, realizing he and I were probably just kindred spirits, fellow travelers rushing to fulfill a drastic need.  Then with a passing and hopeful thought, maybe he'll walk out any moment now and people will realize nothing that gigantic could have come out of me!  Unable to face that crowd, but now acknowledging my hunger, I decide to go to the drive thru. (the sixth car in line of course.)

  After an extended period of fast food time, (I think the single guy in the car in front of me ordered 12 burgers and a coke.) and now worried about my schedule. I pull up to the first window, place my order thankful, I can eat my burger while driving and not lose much time. I pull up to the take out window.  Looking back at me is the smiling face of the counter person I encountered when I first entered the building.  Who obviously has changed stations and is giving me the “Aren't you the guy that was just in here and farted look!” Getting my burger and coke, throwing the bag on passenger seat with its' now lone bottle of water, I speed off, still red faced, forgetting my hunger, but desperately wanting to get that scene and those faces at McDonald's behind me. I exit straight from the drive thru lane on to the interstate on ramp, quickly speeding up, looking into my left side mirror to merge with oncoming cars.  It was only then, I see the big orange and white W sign on the other side of the road fading in the distance behind me, as I pull on to IH 35 and into traffic.